Speaking Free as Me: 2011-03-13

I've found out recently that I have a wider audience than my usuals. For those who don't know, this is my blog to express how I feel. This is how I deal with my feelings and emotions and is not to cut down any one. Only my friends truely read the blog up to this point.
My husband, Jonathan, has been wanting to adopt Eviana since the day he asked me to marry him. Though, I also wanted this, at the time I had been in contact with her biological father and wanted to give him the opportunity to be a part of her life. Unfortunately, after two years of refusing to contact me or his daughter, I feel he has had his chance to live up to that title and he hasn't. I told him I would not force him to be a father and he would have to prove himself. The door was left open for him and he chose to walk away. There is nothing more to that. I could go on and on about how wrong that was and unfair to Eviana it was, but I'm sure that alone speaks for itself.
Recently, Jonathan and I have come into some money and now have the option for JQ to adopt Eviana. Although papers don't mean everything, Jonathan wants her to carry his last name. There is no doubt who Eviana's daddy is to her or anyone else. For the last several months I have been sending Jordan emails to please contact me. Unfortunately my phone was stollen and I no longer have his phone number, so that was not an option. After those attempts failed, I contacted his sister-in-law through facebook, which I was very uncomfortable doing. She said she would pass on the message and I still did not hear from Jordan. I then sent an email to Debbie and Loyce (his parents), but I'm now assuming it was no longer a good email address for them. This email stated......
Debbie and Loyce,
I hope this is still a good email address for you. Contacting you is my last
resort and I'm sorry it has come to this. I have tried several avenues of
contacting Jordan with no success. I even sent Carrie a message and she said she
would give him all my information, but there has still been no response. I have
not heard from Jordan since early in 2009 and he stopped contacting me after I
told him I was getting married. My phone has been stollen since, which had his
contact number. I have tried emailing him as well, but this has come to be
fruitless. I know this avenue worked last time in getting in touch with
him. If you could please give him my number and email I would really appreciate
it. My cell is .......... Thank you for your time. If you feel ok giving me
another way to contact him, I would appreciate it. I have some things to
discuss with him about Eviana eventually.
Sincerely,
Trisha
My husband and I finally became desperate enough to contact Jordan, that we found as many of his friends and family who knew me on facebook and sent them a message to give Jordan my number and tell him I wanted to speak to him. We also found a possible work number for his mom and I tried it. To my surprise, she answered the phone. I will say that conversation changed everything I thought and had been led to believe up to this point. I have been led to believe, besides a short sentence from Jordan that his mother was slightly interested in Eviana, that everyone in his family hated and despised me and wanted nothing to do with me or Eviana. I was unwelcome and they didn't believe she was even his child, which apparently is still true to an extent (not being his). Through my conversation with Debbie, I found this was the complete opposite and that they have wanted everything to do with her, but Jordan had led them to believe that I wanted nothing to do with them, they had no right to see her, and I refused to let there be any form of communication.
Let me say now and make it very clear, that was not the case. In my blogs I posted my emails to Jordan and his to me. I have told him anything he wants to know when I was asked and even when I wasn't. Do I expect them to believe me? No. They haven't known me for four years, why should they? I don't blame them for choosing what he said over me, but I do have proof. Debbie also asked me why I didn't try to contact just her and rebuild that relationship. Of course my answer was: "why would I do that if I was led to believe you want nothing to do with me?" And to answer that question further, I've been hurt just as much as you have, why would I hurt myself more by calling someone I thought hated me? A question I didn't pose: You are blaming me for not trying to contact you, why, if you wanted so badly to be a part of her life did you not dedicated every ounce of your being into finding a way to do that yourself?
In short the conversation was about 45 minutes long with tears on both sides and hopefully now she knows my true intentions. I want that relationship and communication to be open. If they want to be in her life, then that is fine with me and I have no reason not to allow it. I cried for another 10 minutes after the call ended from sheer amazement, anger that Jordan has kept this from happening sooner, questioning everything that has been, and regretting that I didn't do this sooner.
I received an answer, not from Jordan, but from his wife through facebook. Which by the way means nothing because I have to hear it from him.

I agree completely that from this point on broken bridges could be repaired and a relationship built. I can't even express how happy I am that I talked to her. Though the beginning was a rough conversation, in the end it was exactly what it needed to be: honest. Second, it makes me sick at my stomach to sit and read not only that Jordan refuses to sign over his rights, but that he has always loved his little girl and wants to be a part of her life. REALLY?! Excuse my language, but if that's true, where the HELL have you been?! He cannot sit and tell me that when every single action and choice he's made says the COMPLETE opposite. He's lied to everyone this whole time and he expects me to believe that? I don't think so.
Jonathan is a good, Christian, loving, and forgiving man. We both agree that if Jordan's family wants to be in Eviana's life that we have no right not to let them do so. We have been praying for this for a long time. Jonathan is the only daddy Eviana has ever known. She is a daddy's girl and loves him so very much. He has raised her since we started dating and claims her as his own. He has every right to adopt her and give her his last name. There is no question that Jonathan is her daddy, but to have it on paper would make him more than happy. He has put in the time, effort, money and love that Jordan has not. He has given her more than Jordan ever offered her and for him to take this away from Jonathan and myself is just selfish. He hasn't had anything to do with her, so why is he so interested now (at least his family is....he has yet to contact me). She doesn't deserve it and neither does my husband. I'm dissappointed and heartbroken, but all I can do is pray that someday Jordan will do what is best for Eviana. Even if it's the only good decision he makes for her. I want him to understand I won't shut him or any of his family out of her life. We want them to be a part, but it's wrong to hold her back from the only man who has been there for her. I'm heart broken and confused. He shouldn't have waited until it was too late. Now my little girl has to suffer for it.